Late Night Honesty

Isn’t it amazing how one event, that on a normal day would be slightly irritating, can push you over the edge when you’re already teetering on life’s thin line? I’ve had trouble dealing with the Oregon Child Support system and today it really threw the final punch. For people whose job it is to help those of us receiving child support, they’ve so far treated me with what seems to be a “why can’t you do this yourself?” “you’re really putting me out by asking for help” and “call/talk to/ask someone else” attitude. It’s one of those cases where I sit there and think: “If you dislike helping people so much, why in the world are you working in this field?” It’s perplexing and as I ran around today, getting sent from one person to another (none of whom actually helped me), looking at paperwork that got more vague and confusing the longer I looked at it, with the stress of the 1st of the month being only 6 days away… yeah, it pushed me over the edge.

And as I was talking to my Sweetheart this evening, I felt guilty for how much my day was upsetting me when he also had a hard day at work but was handling it so calmly. Then it hit me. I’m not upset and frazzled and on the verge of tears because my case worker didn’t help me… I’m sad and overwhelmed and teary over all the other hard things going on in my life.

I’m so tired of being in pain. I’ve been in physical pain every day for over a year now and that really wears on a person. And after my trip to and from Portland this week, my body is hurting far more than usual (my body really doesn’t like long drives or small beds). I’ve tried to learn how to push the pain aside and, in a way, ignore it but on days like this, it’s in my conscious mind every moment.

I’m so sad that my grandma is about to go to heaven. She’s too young, was too healthy and simply, I’m just not ready for her to go. Even though I usually only saw her once or twice a year growing up, somewhere down deep I knew she was there making pancakes and getting the family together and helping people at church, the food pantry, and everywhere else she went. Never in a million years did we think a diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer would appear and even then, she pushed and fought and lived so much longer than the doctors told her she would. She’s a fighter, she doesn’t give up, and she never ever stops loving. I am going to miss her terribly and I’m just not ready for that.

I’m so devastated that my dad betrayed our family. It’s been 16 months since we found out about his infidelity and there are those out there that are confused why I’m still so upset and haven’t allowed my dad back in my life. The level of pain and betrayal beyond my ability to explain. To have someone be the dominant force in your parenting, be the dominant source of your foundation and belief in God and the very definition of right and wrong (as well as that source for hundreds of children), to have someone be be so upset about your “secret boyfriend” at age 16 that he sends you to the police, fasts for 40 days, and makes you feel like if you don’t pray the right way or the right number or times, you’ll never be forgiven… to have that person abandon my family, abandon me, for another woman… I can’t even begin to explain the pain and confusion. I try to prentend that it’s not happening or that I’m healing and “getting better” but to be honest, I’m not. It’s hurts just as much, if not more, today than it did a year ago. It’s not something you “get over” or “just move on” from yet I fell the need to portray that facade. On a day like this, however, I can’t maintain the facade any longer.

I’m hurting, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m confused.

I really try to be positive, to provide support, to help people but sometimes that leads me to bury all these feelings until they explode from the pressure. So I’m here today to say that I’m learning to accept and feel these emotions for what they truly are. Crying isn’t a weakness, fear isn’t a weakness. Yet there are so many of us out there with a smile on our face when all we really want to do is bury our head in a friend’s shoulder and cry or scream into our pillow or go to a shooting range and blow off some anger responsibly.

We can’t learn by running away and to be truthful, I’ve been running my whole life. Life is so hard and so sad and so painful and that is ok. I promise. It’s ok to feel scary and unpleasant feelings. It’s ok to cry your heart out. I promise it’s ok and I promise that with hard work and an openness to truly feel, it’s going to get easier.
(This is just as much a message to me as it is to you).

I think it’s a correct writing thingamajig to connect back to your first point so here goes: when that small and annoying event throws you off the cliff, when all of a sudden you can’t handle the daily struggles or life… take it as a sign that it’s time to sit down and really find out where the pain is coming from. I know it’s not fun but it’s worth it. Then share it or write about it or do something that will release it from your shoulders, even if just for a little while. Those little whiles add up and one day, maybe you’ll be a lot lighter than you ever imagined. That’s the day I’m waiting and working for.


One thought on “Late Night Honesty

  1. Write on, it’s all I know to do and I know it can save lives because I live on to write on… that’s why I am still here. It does get easier, I believe based on my own experiences to date….. But it takes time and we humans have an awful habit, in my opinion, of expecting far too much of ourselves. Agree running is not the answer. It’s like a temporary band aid. If writing helps, stick with it, it sure helped me, is still helping me. Crying is not a weakness, fear is not a weakness – agree also – crying releases toxic chemicals, fear is a good intuitive guide and without it we would be lost.Wishing you all the best as you press on, write on and live on. Thank you for sharing with such candor.

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