This has been one of those rough weeks. The kind of week where I want to pretend it didn’t happen and leave it off my blog… however, I’m learning that dealing with tough emotions is better than avoiding them. Things just started adding up the last week or so: my grandma’s cancer got worse and she’s real sick now, last week of school came with all its tests, depression was sinking in and it was the start of our local Cruise week, something I used to celebrate with my dad and something I won’t be able to do again.
Thankfully, as the depression was at its worse, my loving partner drove 250 miles to spend the weekend with me. He is my best friend and together we make it through the hard times. Thank you, sweetheart, for being my Superman and for staying by my side.
I’m also learning (this learning is happening with my new and amazing counselor) to rephrase things so not to beat myself up. I have a lot of self-agression tendencies and punish myself for oh so much. I’m getting better though… well, actually that’s a phrase I’m no longer allowed to use. “Getting better” implies there is something wrong with me, my true self, and I’m starting to realize there is nothing wrong with me, there are just a lot of punitive systems I’ve been trained to bow down to. Forces that lie to me and beat me up and torture me relentlessly. The more aware I become of them, the more I’ll be able to break free and experience true freedom.
The other big (and often used) word I’ve cut out is “breakdown” (or “cry fest” or anything of that nature) and Daniel and I started using the phrase “open heart.” It’s important to feel real emotions, even the hard and painful ones. So instead of beating myself up for experiencing them (by using words like “breakdown” which has a negative connotation), I am now looking at it as times where I felt and shared my real emotions. Doesn’t mean it’s easy, but I’m learning to feel more compassion for myself.
Anyway, it’s been a rough couple days. If you’re going through some hard days, or weeks or months, know that you’re not alone and while our problems will never be the same, we’re all in this together. Life wasn’t meant to be lived alone. So find someone, and if you can’t, send me a message or comment and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. It may not always seem like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it’s just because we have depression sunglasses on. Hopefully, with the help of my health care professionals and Honey and friends, I’ll be able to take those sunglasses off and see the light of day again. Fight till your last breath.